this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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