Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
