She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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