hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
