allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
