Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
