Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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