I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
soo... how was my night?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
