I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
