I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
