We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We need to get me chipped asap
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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