Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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