According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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