Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
