im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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