What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
