Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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