Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
