I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize