I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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