it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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