I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
