I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
