So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
