I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize