I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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