I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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