he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
