i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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