I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
