idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
