i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
