I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
