So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
