the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
