so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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