We're like a lot better than the average bears
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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