i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
