why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize