I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize