his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
