listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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