what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
