I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
