So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
