Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
There's always time for handjobs
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
