dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Randomize
