best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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