Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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