if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
