Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
