Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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