I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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