Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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