i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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