She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
tell me about the fingering
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