Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Boobs are out for the taking
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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