Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
