There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
