woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
