the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
We talked him into tasing himself.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Two words: nipple clamps
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