I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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