eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
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