Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
