i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
